I'm in repair. I'm not together but I'm getting there.

 John Mayer. He was also right about that quarter-life crisis thing...I have far more in common with him than I would like to admit...because I think he is probably a pretty broken person who sings about his brokeness, but continues to have the same troubles...and i continue to sing his lyrics over and over, finding healing and comfort in knowing someone out there feels just like me.

Traveling to Philly tomorrow via train. Super excited. I sort of want to wear a hat to fully embrace the nostalgia of trains.

Also, I miss wearing my peacock earrings. It's been awhile since I've broken them out. Maybe travel day will be appropriate. In fact, my richest hours in life encompass embracing the small things or i.e. giving into the crazy. I miss wearing fairy wings around the apartment when I've had a bad day, or sleeping in my sleeping bag when I need comfort or a good cry...I don't want to lose these games invented by my inner child. I don't want to forget.

The grass is always greener.

So I've been watching The Bachelor...(Why do we do this to ourselves?! haha)...and the bachelor stated that he just wants to find a true friendship with someone to know that it would be the right girl/marriage for him. I remember countless times that bachelors or bachelorettes have said the same exact thing...and it hit me, we always want what we can't have...Here they are in this environment where they have the most magical and romantic dates yet they are looking for a good "friend" out of the deal. And in my own life, when I had a great relationship built on a incredibly solid friendship..the guy ended up looking for just the opposite experience....Love packaged by some magical spark or fantasy romance portrayed in the movies. Don't we always want what we don't have.

"By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone."

The pause before the next splendid note...

I have to thank my family and friends for the place I am currently in emotionally. I realized after talking to my ex-boyfriend this week that I am much more self-actualized in this break-up and have more self-worth and confidence than I had going into the relationship. Pretty amazing to think about when 6 months ago I thought my world and my plans for a future had been ripped from me and I would never stand under the weight of disappointment and sorrow I endured daily. Since then I have spent a lot of time with the Lord, talking to friends, and family about the state of my heart. They have inspired me to know more courage and strength than I knew I had, spoken only words of hope, and counseled me to wait for God's best.  Also, all this time God continues to tell me to endure, to embrace the sorrow and heartache because only treasures are waiting. "Wait on it dear child, good things are in store for you."

Last night I read an excerpt that touched me deeply and resounds God's promises so beautifully.

"There is no music during a musical rest, but the rest is part of the making of music. In the melody of our life, the music is separated here and there by rests. During those rests we foolishly believe we have come to the end of a song. God sends us times of forced leisure by allowing sickness, disappointed plans, and frustrated efforts. He brings a sudden pause in the choral hymn of our lives and we lament that our voices must be silent. But how does a musician read the rests? He counts the break with unwavering precision and plays the next note with confidence, as if no pause were ever there. God does not write the music of our life without a plan."

Opportunity wreaks!

Many of my blogs have been "woe is me, Im 27 and alone" and I hate that. But I do want to share that I have moments of excitement looking into my unknown future. I mean...that is exactly what your twenties are supposed to be about, the adventure of the unknown, figuring everything out, and the world being an oyster and I am pretty glad to have been given this opportunity, although I never would have chosen such circumstances a year ago. When I was in a long term relationship and thought about my future there was comfort of course...but I also struggled a lot with feeling sad or like I was going to miss something if I settled down in a couple of years and did the marriage and 2.3 children thing. And now I know that even though this season has been difficult it is also totally awesome and everything I was afraid I would miss! It truly is a gift! I have actually gotten kinda pumped about the element of surprise god has blessed me with in this last week! At a wedding shower last weekend there were a lot of stories about love and relationships being shared and I got so excited that my turn will come, and I will love someone and marry them, and that is an adventure just waiting for me...that element of surprise is still out there for me, but I don't have to do it yet! I have goals to travel and develop some aspects of my career in the year of 2011 and I'm super stoked about these things...more and more I know this is God's purpose for me this year...to play and enjoy life that for so long I've had to put aside due to school responsibilities and lack of finances. I also know it is a year of bettering my mental health and becoming a better me. Basically this year wreaks of opportunity and I'm so excited to get started!

And so the boy aged me...

So I went on a date tonight with what I realized was just a boy...he was 21, JUST turned 21...cute, very nice, and so much potential with a lot of polish :). But that's all it was. Who knows when that potential will come to fruition...but I know I'm not willing to wait around on a boy. As I was sitting at the bar, confidently drinking my beer, and playing the "get to know you" game I've done all to often these days...I realized I am too confident and put together to be dabbling in boyhood anymore. I'm ready for a man, who knows what they want and is secure in the paths he has chosen in life. It was strange but for the first time I actually felt my age. It was startling. I was fishing in the wrong age bracket and everyone else in this small town bar could see it too..."What is that lady doing with the young boy?" So I'm glad for the experience...although, it would have been a better night if I hadn't thought everyone was looking at the old lady drinking her beer.

Aging

On a positive note I have just started this kick ass beauty regiment that I am pretty excited about. I got a facial and massage for my birthday (from yours truly) and the lady gave me all these great tips about natural/organic beauty products for glowing skin! So here it is...Im washing my face with peppermint castile soap, doing a facial scrub with baking soda/water paste; Applying hydrogen peroxide (toner) on a cotton swab as toner, then some Vitamin C serum (to help me anti-age), and on top of that lotion (right now cetaphil) but I am going to get a grape seed oil based lotion sometime this week! So excited. Hope this works..I feel prettier already!
Also- Ive started using mouth wash. I always thought old people were supposed to use it cuz my Dad always did. But then at my latest dentist appt I was told to use it. Is this because I am old and it's time...or is it just the first time I've ever been clued in on what everyone else is doing? hmm...either way, my mouth tastes fresher and I am less likely to get gum disease so im down.

Switch backs in the dark

Tonight I drove home after driving to a nearby town to get fast food and groceries. I would much rather go home without going to all those places because everywhere I go outside of work reminds me that I am alone, because I am. I bought all these groceries tonight thinking...now I have to go home, put them all up, and make a meal out of them this week for one. The aloneness of it all is absolutely daunting right now. As I drove through the dark of night up the mountain through the winding switchbacks, I felt more and more hopeless, driving away from civilization, the lights, the convenient stores, towards my little house up on the hill, waiting silently for my arrival. No one waits at home, no one calls me to check and see if I had a good day, or to listen to me vent about a day from hell, or better yet...to make sure I didn't drive my car over a switchback. I just don't know how people do this day in and day out. It was never hard for me to be single...until I realized how wonderful it is to be in love, to have a "we", or for my phone ring every now and then just because someone cares for no reason; So now the aloneness is insufferable at times, with my family gone and only memories of a good relationship that somehow fell short. Tonight it felt like I was driving into this abyss of darkness, of the unknown, and it's so incredibly scary. I am ready for  my companion, for someone to do things with, to begin my adventure with and "our" story. It feels like I am waiting on that before life begins, and I don't want to be that girl...but I am very much aware that "my light is on" far more than I ever have been before. And  I wish I didn't know it. Because it hurts. And I know I still have many miles left of switch backs to take alone through the dark.