Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I realize it has been quite awhile since I've written anything here. A lot has happened. Just have not actually sat down to write. And now for the first time in years I am suffering from a little touch of the insomnia. Awesome. my mind is absolutely racing with to-do-lists, future hopes and plans, past hopes and plans gone wrong, and god...of course. I am asking god what is my next step? and are the plans I have for myself the same ones god has for me? and how do I know? and why can't i let go of things from the past? and how do I change that in the future? I wish God would just talk to me. But then I remember that He does. He probably has tried and it's likely that I had my back turned to Him while working on something else with the music on, drowning out anything that would distract or bother me while focusing elsewhere. Sorry God, but I'm all ears now! yeah, I know it doesn't work that way, although it seems to be the method  I have adopted these days. I'm not sure why I can't get my spiritual life consistently focused. I am really trying but I don't think I am at it hard enough to push into the next step with confidence that I've got God's support. Everyone else seems to think so though, isn't that what counts?

The scripture I am pondering this week "Be joyful in Hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer"
Romans 12:12
I think this is a good place to start and be focused. Actually I stumbled upon this because I realize wind has been knocked out of me and my hope in the Lord with it. Often I am only just trying to convince myself of the hope in the lord, that i can trust him with such a precious thing. that's awful right? I think I am coming around though. Tonight in bible study we talked about humility and about god's purposes in patience in our lives, that he sometimes even creates circumstances in which to frustrate or create the right heart responses to our faith in Him in those instances. And I looked at God and gave Him a little nod in those moments, because I know my response has not been one of faith or hope or patience. It has been that of a rotten child who has not gotten her way (which has honestly been a rare thing in my life) and has her lips stuck out and arms crossed. Oh, it's such a sad thing to watch too. When God has a bigger plan, a better plan...and I am silently unwilling. It's so unbecoming. But I am getting there.

Another passage that often comes to mind.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;        5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,        10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.        15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Oh Mr. Frost, you were so brave.