Friday, September 9, 2011

Bloom Bloom Bloom!

And so this is my ode to spring: I am reading a blog that asks...What spiritual season of life are you in?
 I can respond to that without a shadow of doubt that it is spring. Finally! This blog was started in the actual winter season and a spiritual winter season and I am so excited to rejoice  in embracing my "spiritual" season of spring! 

No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.  ~Hal Borland

"Everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night."  ~Rainer Maria Rilke

It's spring fever.  That is what the name of it is.  And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!  ~Mark Twain

The naked earth is warm with Spring,
And with green grass and bursting trees
Leans to the sun's kiss glorying,
And quivers in the sunny breeze.
~Julian Grenfell

If you've never been thrilled to the very edges of your soul by a flower in spring bloom, maybe your soul has never been in bloom.  ~Terri Guillemets

Thursday, September 8, 2011

"Little Men"

I just snuck downstairs and placed this quilt that I have been working on for Andrew, my 4 year old nephew, on his bed while he is fast asleep. I can't wait for him to wake up to this much anticipated blanket!

This is the top with the cars and ABC's. The blue color is the exact same color as his room. 

This is the bottom. It's reversible. My sis and I love this side the best actually! It is all the old-time pictures for the ABC's- it cracks me up. For instance, "V" is for Velocipede (yeah, that's a tricycle) and "Q" is for Quoits (AKA horseshoe; It's a wonder that generation ever learned their letters).  My favorite is "L" is for Leap Frog, which is a game I play with the boys all the time! 

I live with my sister and her husband and my three nephews, Andrew (4), Peter (2  1/2) and Caleb (9 months). They were gone for 6 months and have now returned. I needed that time away from them to grow and I needed a break from them honestly. The kids were driving me nuts and so were their parents!...But God has shown me that they are my ministry during this season of life and I prayed a lot that God would change my heart during that time. For some   reason, I continue to be surprised that He did. I was telling my friend tonight that I have healed so much from fears and distrust of men in this adult life, because of my relationship with these little boys over the last several years. I never understood real love until Andrew was born and I immediately loved him with all my heart. Now, everyday I must extend grace, kindness, compassion, patience, and humility to these "little men"; And in return, gift of receiving unconditional love everyday in such large doses is extremely healing and just what my heart has needed, although I would never have predicted that God would use little children to help make me whole again. 
My favorite thing right now is that the two and a half year old greets me in the morning and when I come home from work with delighted squeals of "Aunt Boo, boo boo boo boo boo" as he runs towards me with his arms wide open for a long hug and squeeze and then he just rests his head on my shoulder, and a little sigh, like that's the only place he wants to be.  It is such a wonderful season I get to have to invest and make special memories with these little boys. My next project is Peter's quilt.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I have hope, inside is not a heart, but a kaleidoscope

I re-listened to this album today "kaleidoscope" due to sheer boredom from the radio tunes...; It was nice to listen to it and not hurt or cry. This was the album i listened to for about 4 or 5 months straight, to and from work for 1 hour each way, on all my road trips...That's a lot of hours of these lyrics. They helped heal me in a way, i felt like someone out there knew my heart ache and sang the words aloud that I couldn't bare to whisper and tormented my mind constantly. Listening to the words aloud was some sort of therapeutic sigh, a release and outlet that I couldn't find in any other place.  Actually, the first intro song..".Kaleidoscope" is my current ring tone. Here are some lyrics from a song I really related to but it goes with a catchy and fun beat...even though the lyrics seem a bit sad.


Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by,
Though maybe next time

And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me
Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,
Hang from your hands

Luckily (and thank GOODNESS) this is not the season I am in anymore. I thought it would never end though. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. The scariest thing is you think all is well and the next thing you know the air has been knocked out of you and you don't think you will ever get back up with no warning to pre-plan for a recovery. YUCK. I hope I don't have to go through that again, I don't see how people can go through break-ups over and over again, maybe they are made of thicker skin than me. I dono. 
All this to say, it was nice to enjoy the album today, and not hurt. And it was nice to know that season is behind me. 
This past year has been a really hard one but has definitely put me back on a journey purposed to bring me closer to my Lord, and for that I am so thankful.
 I am ready to enjoy God and all the things he has in store for me. I think it's time for a new album!
Any suggestions???

Sunday, September 4, 2011

El Fin y The Beginning

Today, I started on path of completion. I  did in fact finish this book today""Born to Run"; It was totally awesome. Sadly, I have been reading it since March or April...and it has been driving me crazy that I have yet to finish it.(I must admit, I am a really slow reader); I began and I think have finished writing a letter to my dad. One of the last and somehow first steps for healing that I am in desperate need of in this season of life. I am going to send it sometime this week and thus begins a new future, a new mindset, and heart position towards my father. I am tired of looking back with regret, I am ready to forge a new path with him, ready to make the effort to have a better relationship and I will not give up this time. I know that my healing with my dad will also set me free to have healthier dating relationships and I'm ready not to be so insecure and afraid. I'm ready for change.In a strange and freeing way, I feel like now that I have done this I can move into a different season. Also, this week my family is starting a scripture memory challenge; Each week we will memorize a new verse or new scripture; This week I chose Colossians 3:12-13 "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." I think this is a suitable verse for me to put in my heart this week considering the process of forgiveness and the heart attitude I am electing to project in relationship to my own father.
Also, I have read and been inspired to move on by this poem that was published in a blog I have recently began following:

What Might Have Been, Or What If
By Glynn Young
It is an act of courage
to ask what if;
It is an act of self-deception
to ask what might have been.
One looks forward, one looks backward;
both are ways to view the world.
Both are ways to understand one’s soul.
What if creates possibility;
what might have been celebrates regret.
What if grasps the thought of
what could be, what might be;
what might have been is gripped
by the memory of what never was

After reading this I know that my heart and my mind are convinced more than ever to move forward in step together. It has taken me awhile to get here but as the author describes, I am tired of being gripped "by the memory of what never was."
Life, bring it on.

Thursday, September 1, 2011


Tonight is the first time I have ever cried about a patient at work. I have always been very good at professionally compartmentalizing difficulty situation at my job. For instance, I spend a lot of time around sickness and death. Most of my days. I see people at the end stages of life, days and hours prior to death. I counsel and comfort families from time to time when their loved one is terminal or just days from passing. It is hard. It's uncomfortable. Those are frequently days that I come home from work drained and heavy hearted. but that's part of my job. Death is certainly a looming reality for people over the age of 75 and if you work in healthcare with geriatrics, death looms, period.
This is likely the reason I spend a lot of time thinking about death. The ins and outs of it, the nearness of it for my family members or even for myself. It makes me more aware that the decisions we make today will effect us in 50 years. Exercising and staying physically fit and mentally stimulated is a proven way to increase life expectancy. Even our  choices about our relationships today will effect the outcome in later years. For instance the amount of  laughter in life can predict your life expectancy and increase your resistance for disease and viruses.
I think about my own life and the decisions im making in these regards. I am trying to be physically health and relationally health. I don't want to have regrets. I don't want to pass certain things down to my children and it come back to bite me on my death bed.

Recently I have encountered deaths that have not made any sense to me. I usually am always at peace with the passing of our residents because they are almost always ready to go. But these particular deaths have caused me to have doubts about the medical field, our physicians, our nurses. On my name tag at work i have a quote that says "have i done everything i can for my patient today?"; And I just wonder if we had this attitude would things have turned out differently for these patients. I cried today because I think the odds are good in these instances that they could have. I tried to advocate strongly for both these people in particular and hit brick walls on all fronts. If I am a part of this healthcare team who is trying to make a difference, trying to shake the rest of this medical team and say "wake up!",  then why couldn't I, why don't they listen? It's like watching your own scary dream and wanting to wake yourself up, but you can''re powerless.If we can't make a difference among our own professional peers than how can the healthcare system get any better..Is this what  our medical treatment has become? What would happen to me if I suddenly became a patient in other peoples care? It really scares me.
I think this is the general consensus among medical professionals. It has just gotten to me lately. I'm effected. My rose-tinted glasses are busted and I really want a new pair.