Tonight is the first time I have ever cried about a patient at work. I have always been very good at professionally compartmentalizing difficulty situation at my job. For instance, I spend a lot of time around sickness and death. Most of my days. I see people at the end stages of life, days and hours prior to death. I counsel and comfort families from time to time when their loved one is terminal or just days from passing. It is hard. It's uncomfortable. Those are frequently days that I come home from work drained and heavy hearted. but that's part of my job. Death is certainly a looming reality for people over the age of 75 and if you work in healthcare with geriatrics, death looms, period.
This is likely the reason I spend a lot of time thinking about death. The ins and outs of it, the nearness of it for my family members or even for myself. It makes me more aware that the decisions we make today will effect us in 50 years. Exercising and staying physically fit and mentally stimulated is a proven way to increase life expectancy. Even our choices about our relationships today will effect the outcome in later years. For instance the amount of laughter in life can predict your life expectancy and increase your resistance for disease and viruses.
I think about my own life and the decisions im making in these regards. I am trying to be physically health and relationally health. I don't want to have regrets. I don't want to pass certain things down to my children and it come back to bite me on my death bed.
Recently I have encountered deaths that have not made any sense to me. I usually am always at peace with the passing of our residents because they are almost always ready to go. But these particular deaths have caused me to have doubts about the medical field, our physicians, our nurses. On my name tag at work i have a quote that says "have i done everything i can for my patient today?"; And I just wonder if we had this attitude would things have turned out differently for these patients. I cried today because I think the odds are good in these instances that they could have. I tried to advocate strongly for both these people in particular and hit brick walls on all fronts. If I am a part of this healthcare team who is trying to make a difference, trying to shake the rest of this medical team and say "wake up!", then why couldn't I, why don't they listen? It's like watching your own scary dream and wanting to wake yourself up, but you can't...you're powerless.If we can't make a difference among our own professional peers than how can the healthcare system get any better..Is this what our medical treatment has become? What would happen to me if I suddenly became a patient in other peoples care? It really scares me.
I think this is the general consensus among medical professionals. It has just gotten to me lately. I'm effected. My rose-tinted glasses are busted and I really want a new pair.
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