Tuesday, January 22, 2013


My goal for weight gain to 110 lbs. I have not been over 105 in 3-5 years and this week and reached 106 and holding!!! I have not been this elated in a long time over such a silly thing (to some)...but am so ecstatic because it means my dietary changes (going gluten free) are really working. It has been a great witness to my family that my health has changed and they all want to go to Progressive medical to get all their various symptoms treated. That is also why I am so excited because it just goes to show that the medical intervention and guidance I am receiving is the real thing! Only 4 more lbs to my goal! And then I will probably try to reach 115 lbs since that is norm for someone of my height (I think);
Today is my last full day in warm springs. I have had many tears while packing and saying goodbyes and watched many episodes of Gilmore Girls to get me through it. This place has been a unique and special experience, kind of like my own Stars Hollow really...I'm sad to say goodbye, but now I am excited and ready to start the next adventure. I think it is so awesome that I get to do things like this with God...to just trust in Him for the next day and provision. I want this excitement for everyone. I feel like I'm right in the midst of the journey and want to soak in every moment of it with Him. Tonight I spent some time just praising God for all the blessings and healing that he has provided in the last three years...Although at times things were difficult, Warm Springs has been my "spring" on the journey to Bacca =) I never thought I would love this place so much and all of its people. When I had lunch with a teen girl from church today I was so thankful that God has placed me to be a part of her life and can't believe how much he has blessed me through his provision of supernatural love for this girl and all the teen girls I try to mentor as best I can at church. I never knew how much I needed them...and it's like that with all the things I have become a part of here. God has given me a cup that overflows and a fullness in my life in the last 2 years in a slow and steady way. I had been so empty before that and without even a longing to desire god's gifts because of the relationship I had previously been in. And just like that...God redeemed me. Although it was a painful thing at the time, I cannot express how thankful I am for God's gifts and second chances now...I can't wait to see what He has for me next!

Monday, January 21, 2013

Impartations and Goodbyes

I have spent the last two weeks saying my goodbyes. My sister has treated me to special "going away parties" with different friend groups and special treats. My brother-in-law gave me a blessing and the family layed hands on me to pray as a ceremonial closing on this season in my life. I am thankful to have a spiritual male in my life who took the time to give me the blessings of a "father" that I would never receive from my own earthly father. He said the God is pleased with me and that I make Him smile; Also he thanked me for being a witness to his children and family and for my ministry to them and that he is very proud of who I am and have become in the last three years. It was very sweet and a nice note to end on.
 I have spent the last two days packing all of my belongings and tying up loose ends. Tonight monja came over and we had yet another and the last of our girl's nights with a movie, gf cookies, and dinner and then she helped me pack. She just left around 1am. We talked about all of our boys (she is our family friend and baby sitter who loves the boys dearly) and we both cried intermittently. She was hard to say goodbye to and somehow I was not expecting that. But I think in part its because she also shares my love for the children unlike anyone else besides brandea and charles and so she knows how hard this is going to be for all of us.
I am so glad to have spent the last 3 years here with my family and my nephews. I hope that I have left a deep impression on Andrew and Peter (the oldest of my nephews) in the way I have conducted myself with them in patience, kindness and love, in forgiveness, and grace. I hope they will always dance unabashed with pure joy and with out inhibition. I hope they will always enjoy sneaking up on each other for the shear fun of "scaring" their brothers and to be "scared." I hope they continue to use their imaginations, and are at times silly and fun loving in play and their interactions with each other. I hope they will love listening to music, singing, and can always hear the joy in song that God gives us every day. I hope they know that God is their trusted friend who loves them and is someone that they can talk to whenever loneliness or doubt overwhelms them.  I hope they enjoy and desire to worship and sing to their God. I hope they always know they can trust me and count on me to follow through on my promises. These are things I hope I have imparted

Saturday, January 12, 2013

The hardest Goodbye

Today was really hard. During breakfast, my sister and brother-in-law told my nephews that I am moving next week and they took it pretty hard. I have been dreading this day. My sister said it best today when she said they are losing their best friend and their aunt. I feel like I'm losing my best friends too. I love those little guys so much I didn't even know I had the capacity to love another human in the ways that I love them. When they asked why I had to leave my brother-in-law told reminded them about these baby birds they had once found who were trying to fly out of their nest and charles thought they were hurt because they had landed on the ground and the mama bird was no where to be seen. So he gathered them all up and put them back in their nest where he thought they should be. But later when he told my sister about it she laughed and said "charles, those birds were LEAVING their nest, it's time." and so he explained that it is my time too...that I've gotten to big for this nest and am ready for a bigger one. Later he told me he is sad I am leaving and that he cried this morning when he told the children the story. We all cried this morning. It was just awful. Peter told me that he and Andrew would ride their horses to come visit me (although they do not actually have horses) since they can't drive and said "I will miss you so much boo"; Andrew surprised me the most in that he cried as soon as he heard the news and he remained tearful in spurts throughout the morning, but he did try to be brave.

This is the hardest move I have ever had to make. It's the first time I have chosen my path and it has not been chosen for me by my life circumstances that have controlled my decisions like I have for the last 10 years. I have always gradually and readily moved on to the next required steps demanded by life's need to acquire degrees and certifications, going to college, leaving my college town of 7 years to do an internship, and then coming here to warm springs to live. I have never been very sentimental during any of those times. But this is different. My heart is invested deeply in the lives of my family and nephews, in fact they are my life right now...which is part of why I need to move and make a life of my own. Also, I feel more connected to this community than I have ever felt in my whole life. Because it is such a small town everyone reaches out to you, knows where you have been and where you are going, if you were at church, or if you are dating someone new without me ever having told them this information. It drives me crazy at times but is the obvious nature of such a small community. (By the way, there are officially 123 persons who live in the town of warm springs! haha). This time I am choosing my path and it's exciting and scary and I feel so badly for willingly removing myself from the loves of my life. I feel like I am abandoning them, but I know it will be good for me in the long run. I remember when my brother moved out of the house (for the 2nd time)...The first time it was to go off to college and I was glad to see him go I think....but then he came back to the house for a respite of sorts and we became very close, for the first time in our lives, he was my best friend. And then he told me he was moving out one day. This memory is vivid for me because it was the first time I had ever cried in front of anybody since I had been a child...and I was 17 at the time. (This summarizes how stunted and how suppressed my emotions were and why it has taken me until now to really start to emotionally evolve). I remember feeling like I was punched in the stomach and the deep sadness of knowing I was somehow losing my best friend. Of course, I have now become practiced in saying goodbye to people and to best friends and I know it's just a part of life. I know this is a good experience for them in this way, but I hate that I'm the one inflicting the heartbreak.