Saturday, January 12, 2013

The hardest Goodbye

Today was really hard. During breakfast, my sister and brother-in-law told my nephews that I am moving next week and they took it pretty hard. I have been dreading this day. My sister said it best today when she said they are losing their best friend and their aunt. I feel like I'm losing my best friends too. I love those little guys so much I didn't even know I had the capacity to love another human in the ways that I love them. When they asked why I had to leave my brother-in-law told reminded them about these baby birds they had once found who were trying to fly out of their nest and charles thought they were hurt because they had landed on the ground and the mama bird was no where to be seen. So he gathered them all up and put them back in their nest where he thought they should be. But later when he told my sister about it she laughed and said "charles, those birds were LEAVING their nest, it's time." and so he explained that it is my time too...that I've gotten to big for this nest and am ready for a bigger one. Later he told me he is sad I am leaving and that he cried this morning when he told the children the story. We all cried this morning. It was just awful. Peter told me that he and Andrew would ride their horses to come visit me (although they do not actually have horses) since they can't drive and said "I will miss you so much boo"; Andrew surprised me the most in that he cried as soon as he heard the news and he remained tearful in spurts throughout the morning, but he did try to be brave.

This is the hardest move I have ever had to make. It's the first time I have chosen my path and it has not been chosen for me by my life circumstances that have controlled my decisions like I have for the last 10 years. I have always gradually and readily moved on to the next required steps demanded by life's need to acquire degrees and certifications, going to college, leaving my college town of 7 years to do an internship, and then coming here to warm springs to live. I have never been very sentimental during any of those times. But this is different. My heart is invested deeply in the lives of my family and nephews, in fact they are my life right now...which is part of why I need to move and make a life of my own. Also, I feel more connected to this community than I have ever felt in my whole life. Because it is such a small town everyone reaches out to you, knows where you have been and where you are going, if you were at church, or if you are dating someone new without me ever having told them this information. It drives me crazy at times but is the obvious nature of such a small community. (By the way, there are officially 123 persons who live in the town of warm springs! haha). This time I am choosing my path and it's exciting and scary and I feel so badly for willingly removing myself from the loves of my life. I feel like I am abandoning them, but I know it will be good for me in the long run. I remember when my brother moved out of the house (for the 2nd time)...The first time it was to go off to college and I was glad to see him go I think....but then he came back to the house for a respite of sorts and we became very close, for the first time in our lives, he was my best friend. And then he told me he was moving out one day. This memory is vivid for me because it was the first time I had ever cried in front of anybody since I had been a child...and I was 17 at the time. (This summarizes how stunted and how suppressed my emotions were and why it has taken me until now to really start to emotionally evolve). I remember feeling like I was punched in the stomach and the deep sadness of knowing I was somehow losing my best friend. Of course, I have now become practiced in saying goodbye to people and to best friends and I know it's just a part of life. I know this is a good experience for them in this way, but I hate that I'm the one inflicting the heartbreak.

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