Tomorrow...

My goal for weight gain to 110 lbs. I have not been over 105 in 3-5 years and this week and reached 106 and holding!!! I have not been this elated in a long time over such a silly thing (to some)...but am so ecstatic because it means my dietary changes (going gluten free) are really working. It has been a great witness to my family that my health has changed and they all want to go to Progressive medical to get all their various symptoms treated. That is also why I am so excited because it just goes to show that the medical intervention and guidance I am receiving is the real thing! Only 4 more lbs to my goal! And then I will probably try to reach 115 lbs since that is norm for someone of my height (I think);

Today is my last full day in warm springs. I have had many tears while packing and saying goodbyes and watched many episodes of Gilmore Girls to get me through it. This place has been a unique and special experience, kind of like my own Stars Hollow really...I'm sad to say goodbye, but now I am excited and ready to start the next adventure. I think it is so awesome that I get to do things like this with God...to just trust in Him for the next day and provision. I want this excitement for everyone. I feel like I'm right in the midst of the journey and want to soak in every moment of it with Him. Tonight I spent some time just praising God for all the blessings and healing that he has provided in the last three years...Although at times things were difficult, Warm Springs has been my "spring" on the journey to Bacca =) I never thought I would love this place so much and all of its people. When I had lunch with a teen girl from church today I was so thankful that God has placed me to be a part of her life and can't believe how much he has blessed me through his provision of supernatural love for this girl and all the teen girls I try to mentor as best I can at church. I never knew how much I needed them...and it's like that with all the things I have become a part of here. God has given me a cup that overflows and a fullness in my life in the last 2 years in a slow and steady way. I had been so empty before that and without even a longing to desire god's gifts because of the relationship I had previously been in. And just like that...God redeemed me. Although it was a painful thing at the time, I cannot express how thankful I am for God's gifts and second chances now...I can't wait to see what He has for me next!

Impartations and Goodbyes

I have spent the last two weeks saying my goodbyes. My sister has treated me to special "going away parties" with different friend groups and special treats. My brother-in-law gave me a blessing and the family layed hands on me to pray as a ceremonial closing on this season in my life. I am thankful to have a spiritual male in my life who took the time to give me the blessings of a "father" that I would never receive from my own earthly father. He said the God is pleased with me and that I make Him smile; Also he thanked me for being a witness to his children and family and for my ministry to them and that he is very proud of who I am and have become in the last three years. It was very sweet and a nice note to end on.
 I have spent the last two days packing all of my belongings and tying up loose ends. Tonight monja came over and we had yet another and the last of our girl's nights with a movie, gf cookies, and dinner and then she helped me pack. She just left around 1am. We talked about all of our boys (she is our family friend and baby sitter who loves the boys dearly) and we both cried intermittently. She was hard to say goodbye to and somehow I was not expecting that. But I think in part its because she also shares my love for the children unlike anyone else besides brandea and charles and so she knows how hard this is going to be for all of us.
I am so glad to have spent the last 3 years here with my family and my nephews. I hope that I have left a deep impression on Andrew and Peter (the oldest of my nephews) in the way I have conducted myself with them in patience, kindness and love, in forgiveness, and grace. I hope they will always dance unabashed with pure joy and with out inhibition. I hope they will always enjoy sneaking up on each other for the shear fun of "scaring" their brothers and to be "scared." I hope they continue to use their imaginations, and are at times silly and fun loving in play and their interactions with each other. I hope they will love listening to music, singing, and can always hear the joy in song that God gives us every day. I hope they know that God is their trusted friend who loves them and is someone that they can talk to whenever loneliness or doubt overwhelms them.  I hope they enjoy and desire to worship and sing to their God. I hope they always know they can trust me and count on me to follow through on my promises. These are things I hope I have imparted

The hardest Goodbye

Today was really hard. During breakfast, my sister and brother-in-law told my nephews that I am moving next week and they took it pretty hard. I have been dreading this day. My sister said it best today when she said they are losing their best friend and their aunt. I feel like I'm losing my best friends too. I love those little guys so much I didn't even know I had the capacity to love another human in the ways that I love them. When they asked why I had to leave my brother-in-law told reminded them about these baby birds they had once found who were trying to fly out of their nest and charles thought they were hurt because they had landed on the ground and the mama bird was no where to be seen. So he gathered them all up and put them back in their nest where he thought they should be. But later when he told my sister about it she laughed and said "charles, those birds were LEAVING their nest, it's time." and so he explained that it is my time too...that I've gotten to big for this nest and am ready for a bigger one. Later he told me he is sad I am leaving and that he cried this morning when he told the children the story. We all cried this morning. It was just awful. Peter told me that he and Andrew would ride their horses to come visit me (although they do not actually have horses) since they can't drive and said "I will miss you so much boo"; Andrew surprised me the most in that he cried as soon as he heard the news and he remained tearful in spurts throughout the morning, but he did try to be brave.

This is the hardest move I have ever had to make. It's the first time I have chosen my path and it has not been chosen for me by my life circumstances that have controlled my decisions like I have for the last 10 years. I have always gradually and readily moved on to the next required steps demanded by life's need to acquire degrees and certifications, going to college, leaving my college town of 7 years to do an internship, and then coming here to warm springs to live. I have never been very sentimental during any of those times. But this is different. My heart is invested deeply in the lives of my family and nephews, in fact they are my life right now...which is part of why I need to move and make a life of my own. Also, I feel more connected to this community than I have ever felt in my whole life. Because it is such a small town everyone reaches out to you, knows where you have been and where you are going, if you were at church, or if you are dating someone new without me ever having told them this information. It drives me crazy at times but is the obvious nature of such a small community. (By the way, there are officially 123 persons who live in the town of warm springs! haha). This time I am choosing my path and it's exciting and scary and I feel so badly for willingly removing myself from the loves of my life. I feel like I am abandoning them, but I know it will be good for me in the long run. I remember when my brother moved out of the house (for the 2nd time)...The first time it was to go off to college and I was glad to see him go I think....but then he came back to the house for a respite of sorts and we became very close, for the first time in our lives, he was my best friend. And then he told me he was moving out one day. This memory is vivid for me because it was the first time I had ever cried in front of anybody since I had been a child...and I was 17 at the time. (This summarizes how stunted and how suppressed my emotions were and why it has taken me until now to really start to emotionally evolve). I remember feeling like I was punched in the stomach and the deep sadness of knowing I was somehow losing my best friend. Of course, I have now become practiced in saying goodbye to people and to best friends and I know it's just a part of life. I know this is a good experience for them in this way, but I hate that I'm the one inflicting the heartbreak.

2013

One more year. Just one more year until I'm 30. How did that happen? Sometimes I think I should have been doing something else by now...but what? Seriously, I'm happy and I'm who I always wanted to be. I've always wanted to be single for awhile, work, travel, and have time to contemplate life and have the flexibility to do what I want. Done. There is not a time span in my last 10 years that I would take back, exchange, regret, or have done anything differently in. God has been faithful and good to me. He continues to demonstrate his devotion as a father and allow opportunities shower me with love and forgiveness in difficult situations. I have always said that I didn't see myself getting married until I was at least 30. Well I'm almost there and I continue to not have regrets about this statement. I think I've needed this time to even consider marriage and kids and what all that really means. It's been really good for me to live with my sister and Charles and witness what marriage actually looks like. Growing up I lived with my single mother basically and did not know about marriage, just that I was afraid of it...all this time I've been so afraid. Now I have lived and breathed it and I know that it would be a good thing for me. Now  I know what it means to raise children...it's hard work, but worth it, so worth it. Had I not had this time living in Warm Springs with my sister , brother-in-law and nephews, I would still be out there somewhere...afraid of a future, afraid of a legacy, and redemption for portions of my heart and relationships still looming in the margins. I'm not afraid, in fact I yearn.

Happy Birthday Baby Jesus

My sister and her husband have started the tradition of having a birthday party for Jesus. It's usually on Christmas Eve and we all have to offer 1 gift to Jesus either through donating money (this year the kids emptied there wallets to buy other children balls), through service, etc. This year I wrote a poem to thank Him for all he has done in my life this year. Enjoy!

Poem To Jesus:

A poem I have written to our Lord Jesus to say

we are excited to celebrate your birth tomorrow day.

As your birthday falls at the end of a calendar year

I would like to say thank you for getting me here

It's been a good year, one I will remember

You've drawn me closer to you since last December

I've spent time learning about marriage and raising a family

thanks to these precious little lambs and charles and brandea

You found me a good doctor who nursed me health

and now instead of wheat, there's Gluten-Free on my shelf

You sent me to England, Italy, The Netherlands, and France

and I learned important lessons there- like for instance....Italian men cannot dance!

I've enjoyed your many blessings. spending time with friends and in travel

without this wonderful break, I might have come unraveled

I am so blessed to get the chance to laugh and play

with my amazing, awesome, supercool nephews that I get to see every day

You've blessed me with a wonderful family who loves me and cares

I know it's not by chance that I was placed with them here.

Thank you baby Jesus for giving us hope on this day

and for sharing your birthday party with us in this very special way

An adult tea party

I had the most random night but was just what I needed. My friend Jenny invited me to a TEA PARTY tonight (right up my alley). It's basically like a Thirty-One party or Tupperware  party but instead you buy tea...it was so much fun and the lady actually had these heart tea cups i almost bought on guilt group but they ran out before i got to them, i think she probably bought them first...anyways...The girl, Alexandra, who is hosting the party is a new friend to jenny and she has been wanting me to meet her because she thinks we would get along. Long story short I had the best time drinking tea with all these random people. Afterwards, we all sat out on the porch talking , drinking Sherrie, eating fresh mozzarella, tomatoes, watermelon and had the best time. The girl who hosted is married and lives with her parents. They are all Russian. Literally moved here in 1998 and speak wonderful english. I enjoyed listening to the mother who always needed to someone to translate a word here or there in between her passionate stories about her motherland. The best part of the evening was that they all love speech therapists! It was so nice to be around such encouragement at this time when my last day of work is just around the corner and I am really struggling to be inspired to the next steps in my career and floundering for what I am passionate about as a speech therapist.  It turns out Alexandra's dad had some medical issues fairly recently and was in a coma for 3 days and had to re-learn how to speak English and walk, etc, and they are all very familiar with rehab therapists and the role we play in helping people get back to their previous level of funtion after such a traumatic event. He truly is a miracle and has made such a remarkable recovery. I loved that he had a joke to tell about everything, and he managed to translate these jokes over so well with his thick russian accent. At the end of the evening he gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek and said "I love the speech therapists. You are wonderful people. And Thank you," and it was very touching. His whole family was that way and it was so refreshing to feel like I can be in a job where I could make a difference. All though, on a daily basis I lose hope of that more and more in my current position. This was simply a nice way to celebrate the weekend before I leave on my trip to Europe, clear my mind, and attempt to start the next journey in speech therapy, whatever that may be. God always know just what we need =)

   This is what am i about to look forward to. Walking off a ledge. There is so much fear but that's what it takes to start over again. I have always been one for adventure and am so grateful for this opportunity. A part of me mourns my adolescence and even college when adventure was continuous, the hope in something new, the wonder of what the future will hold and who you will become and just around the corner is a new adventure just waiting for you to bump into it. As a college graduate of 3 years I can safely say...working life and adulthood gets mundane at best and the sense of adventure I once had, I once carried as my banner, is no more. And I miss that me.
Enter Eurotrip. But first I will be quitting my job. YES!! Fear comes into play because I don't have another job lined up and will be living "jobless" for a couple of months while waiting for my sister to have her baby in the first of November so I can nanny while she gets acclimated to having a new born and now 4 children! Im so excited to spend uninterrupted time with my nephews for a couple of months...to go on adventures together, get icecream, road trips, go to the playground, and just generally spoil them with my attention, instead of wizzing out the door in the am and telling them "i cant play because i have to go to work", and seeing them briefly for an hour in the evenings before they go to bed, if i even get home before they go to bed. I cannot believe I have been commuting for 2 1/2 years almost an hour each way to work. Im so ready to have a life again, to get 2 hours of my day back that will not be spent in the car. The only problem is I'm not sure what job I want to have next...I dont know if I want to work in the nursing homes again or what...I am hoping that these next few months (sept-november) will help clear my head and reset my career path.
Looking back at this blog I realize I am in a much different place than when I started this. I needed an outlet for my sadness and my loneliness when my family moved to philly for 6 months over a year ago. Prior to that my boyfriend had broken up with me and my whole world just seemed to be falling apart when my family had to leave me here alone for 6 months. Although it was difficult, I ended up with lots of great stories and a couple of quality friends. Through that experience I grew to love this tiny town instead of resent it, and I learned what living in a "community" really means. Most of all I am healthier now than I have been in 4 or 5 years. I feel like God gave me the opportunity, in fact he almost gave me no other choice but to change my life, again. He always does that. It brings me to tears to know how many times God has pulled me out of my own selfish choices and drawn my heart back to him because I am his beloved daughter and he will have it no other way. God has also brought incredible healing to my relationship with my dad, which may not have taken place without deep intercessory prayer and forgiveness. I wouldn't change anything that has happened in the last 3 years that I have lived here in Virginia.  
On top of god returning my heart and mind to him, he has also provided a way to restore my health. I went to this place http://progressivemedicalcenter.com/ in Atlanta recently to get medical tx for my chronic sinus infections, insomnia, to gain weight, and for generally being exhausted all the time and it has made a world of difference. For the first time in almost 5 or 6 years I have the energy of a normal person. I don't feel constantly exhausted all the time. Also, I have kept from having a sinus infection for 5 months, which is remarkable considering I continually got one for a whole year prior to this.


Here is one of the places I am most excited to visit....I will be here with my backpack and another adventure seeker from gradschool in just over a month!!!


 
Cinque Terre, Italy

 “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain