2013

One more year. Just one more year until I'm 30. How did that happen? Sometimes I think I should have been doing something else by now...but what? Seriously, I'm happy and I'm who I always wanted to be. I've always wanted to be single for awhile, work, travel, and have time to contemplate life and have the flexibility to do what I want. Done. There is not a time span in my last 10 years that I would take back, exchange, regret, or have done anything differently in. God has been faithful and good to me. He continues to demonstrate his devotion as a father and allow opportunities shower me with love and forgiveness in difficult situations. I have always said that I didn't see myself getting married until I was at least 30. Well I'm almost there and I continue to not have regrets about this statement. I think I've needed this time to even consider marriage and kids and what all that really means. It's been really good for me to live with my sister and Charles and witness what marriage actually looks like. Growing up I lived with my single mother basically and did not know about marriage, just that I was afraid of it...all this time I've been so afraid. Now I have lived and breathed it and I know that it would be a good thing for me. Now  I know what it means to raise children...it's hard work, but worth it, so worth it. Had I not had this time living in Warm Springs with my sister , brother-in-law and nephews, I would still be out there somewhere...afraid of a future, afraid of a legacy, and redemption for portions of my heart and relationships still looming in the margins. I'm not afraid, in fact I yearn.

Happy Birthday Baby Jesus

My sister and her husband have started the tradition of having a birthday party for Jesus. It's usually on Christmas Eve and we all have to offer 1 gift to Jesus either through donating money (this year the kids emptied there wallets to buy other children balls), through service, etc. This year I wrote a poem to thank Him for all he has done in my life this year. Enjoy!

Poem To Jesus:

A poem I have written to our Lord Jesus to say

we are excited to celebrate your birth tomorrow day.

As your birthday falls at the end of a calendar year

I would like to say thank you for getting me here

It's been a good year, one I will remember

You've drawn me closer to you since last December

I've spent time learning about marriage and raising a family

thanks to these precious little lambs and charles and brandea

You found me a good doctor who nursed me health

and now instead of wheat, there's Gluten-Free on my shelf

You sent me to England, Italy, The Netherlands, and France

and I learned important lessons there- like for instance....Italian men cannot dance!

I've enjoyed your many blessings. spending time with friends and in travel

without this wonderful break, I might have come unraveled

I am so blessed to get the chance to laugh and play

with my amazing, awesome, supercool nephews that I get to see every day

You've blessed me with a wonderful family who loves me and cares

I know it's not by chance that I was placed with them here.

Thank you baby Jesus for giving us hope on this day

and for sharing your birthday party with us in this very special way

An adult tea party

I had the most random night but was just what I needed. My friend Jenny invited me to a TEA PARTY tonight (right up my alley). It's basically like a Thirty-One party or Tupperware  party but instead you buy tea...it was so much fun and the lady actually had these heart tea cups i almost bought on guilt group but they ran out before i got to them, i think she probably bought them first...anyways...The girl, Alexandra, who is hosting the party is a new friend to jenny and she has been wanting me to meet her because she thinks we would get along. Long story short I had the best time drinking tea with all these random people. Afterwards, we all sat out on the porch talking , drinking Sherrie, eating fresh mozzarella, tomatoes, watermelon and had the best time. The girl who hosted is married and lives with her parents. They are all Russian. Literally moved here in 1998 and speak wonderful english. I enjoyed listening to the mother who always needed to someone to translate a word here or there in between her passionate stories about her motherland. The best part of the evening was that they all love speech therapists! It was so nice to be around such encouragement at this time when my last day of work is just around the corner and I am really struggling to be inspired to the next steps in my career and floundering for what I am passionate about as a speech therapist.  It turns out Alexandra's dad had some medical issues fairly recently and was in a coma for 3 days and had to re-learn how to speak English and walk, etc, and they are all very familiar with rehab therapists and the role we play in helping people get back to their previous level of funtion after such a traumatic event. He truly is a miracle and has made such a remarkable recovery. I loved that he had a joke to tell about everything, and he managed to translate these jokes over so well with his thick russian accent. At the end of the evening he gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek and said "I love the speech therapists. You are wonderful people. And Thank you," and it was very touching. His whole family was that way and it was so refreshing to feel like I can be in a job where I could make a difference. All though, on a daily basis I lose hope of that more and more in my current position. This was simply a nice way to celebrate the weekend before I leave on my trip to Europe, clear my mind, and attempt to start the next journey in speech therapy, whatever that may be. God always know just what we need =)

   This is what am i about to look forward to. Walking off a ledge. There is so much fear but that's what it takes to start over again. I have always been one for adventure and am so grateful for this opportunity. A part of me mourns my adolescence and even college when adventure was continuous, the hope in something new, the wonder of what the future will hold and who you will become and just around the corner is a new adventure just waiting for you to bump into it. As a college graduate of 3 years I can safely say...working life and adulthood gets mundane at best and the sense of adventure I once had, I once carried as my banner, is no more. And I miss that me.
Enter Eurotrip. But first I will be quitting my job. YES!! Fear comes into play because I don't have another job lined up and will be living "jobless" for a couple of months while waiting for my sister to have her baby in the first of November so I can nanny while she gets acclimated to having a new born and now 4 children! Im so excited to spend uninterrupted time with my nephews for a couple of months...to go on adventures together, get icecream, road trips, go to the playground, and just generally spoil them with my attention, instead of wizzing out the door in the am and telling them "i cant play because i have to go to work", and seeing them briefly for an hour in the evenings before they go to bed, if i even get home before they go to bed. I cannot believe I have been commuting for 2 1/2 years almost an hour each way to work. Im so ready to have a life again, to get 2 hours of my day back that will not be spent in the car. The only problem is I'm not sure what job I want to have next...I dont know if I want to work in the nursing homes again or what...I am hoping that these next few months (sept-november) will help clear my head and reset my career path.
Looking back at this blog I realize I am in a much different place than when I started this. I needed an outlet for my sadness and my loneliness when my family moved to philly for 6 months over a year ago. Prior to that my boyfriend had broken up with me and my whole world just seemed to be falling apart when my family had to leave me here alone for 6 months. Although it was difficult, I ended up with lots of great stories and a couple of quality friends. Through that experience I grew to love this tiny town instead of resent it, and I learned what living in a "community" really means. Most of all I am healthier now than I have been in 4 or 5 years. I feel like God gave me the opportunity, in fact he almost gave me no other choice but to change my life, again. He always does that. It brings me to tears to know how many times God has pulled me out of my own selfish choices and drawn my heart back to him because I am his beloved daughter and he will have it no other way. God has also brought incredible healing to my relationship with my dad, which may not have taken place without deep intercessory prayer and forgiveness. I wouldn't change anything that has happened in the last 3 years that I have lived here in Virginia.  
On top of god returning my heart and mind to him, he has also provided a way to restore my health. I went to this place http://progressivemedicalcenter.com/ in Atlanta recently to get medical tx for my chronic sinus infections, insomnia, to gain weight, and for generally being exhausted all the time and it has made a world of difference. For the first time in almost 5 or 6 years I have the energy of a normal person. I don't feel constantly exhausted all the time. Also, I have kept from having a sinus infection for 5 months, which is remarkable considering I continually got one for a whole year prior to this.


Here is one of the places I am most excited to visit....I will be here with my backpack and another adventure seeker from gradschool in just over a month!!!


 
Cinque Terre, Italy

 “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

I realize it has been quite awhile since I've written anything here. A lot has happened. Just have not actually sat down to write. And now for the first time in years I am suffering from a little touch of the insomnia. Awesome. my mind is absolutely racing with to-do-lists, future hopes and plans, past hopes and plans gone wrong, and god...of course. I am asking god what is my next step? and are the plans I have for myself the same ones god has for me? and how do I know? and why can't i let go of things from the past? and how do I change that in the future? I wish God would just talk to me. But then I remember that He does. He probably has tried and it's likely that I had my back turned to Him while working on something else with the music on, drowning out anything that would distract or bother me while focusing elsewhere. Sorry God, but I'm all ears now! yeah, I know it doesn't work that way, although it seems to be the method  I have adopted these days. I'm not sure why I can't get my spiritual life consistently focused. I am really trying but I don't think I am at it hard enough to push into the next step with confidence that I've got God's support. Everyone else seems to think so though, isn't that what counts?

The scripture I am pondering this week "Be joyful in Hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer"
Romans 12:12
I think this is a good place to start and be focused. Actually I stumbled upon this because I realize wind has been knocked out of me and my hope in the Lord with it. Often I am only just trying to convince myself of the hope in the lord, that i can trust him with such a precious thing. that's awful right? I think I am coming around though. Tonight in bible study we talked about humility and about god's purposes in patience in our lives, that he sometimes even creates circumstances in which to frustrate or create the right heart responses to our faith in Him in those instances. And I looked at God and gave Him a little nod in those moments, because I know my response has not been one of faith or hope or patience. It has been that of a rotten child who has not gotten her way (which has honestly been a rare thing in my life) and has her lips stuck out and arms crossed. Oh, it's such a sad thing to watch too. When God has a bigger plan, a better plan...and I am silently unwilling. It's so unbecoming. But I am getting there.

Another passage that often comes to mind.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;         5   Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,         10   And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.         15   I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

Oh Mr. Frost, you were so brave.

Trust

Today my devotion is perfect for where my heart is right now. it says "Trust me (GOD) by relinquishing control into my hands. Let go and recognize that I am God. This is my world.

"My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14