Bloom

I'm getting ready to spend a long weekend with my Dad and his wife in DC. Finally heading to the Cherry Blossom Festival after a couple years of failed plans and I'm so excited. I'm also incredibly nervous. I always have a lot of anxiety around my dad. He says hurtful things constantly and is just generally condescending. So that puts me on the defense emotionally while at the same time I want to please him and feel his acceptance. (as i reread this I realize that is exactly my posture in my dating relationships, thanks dad)
I'm never sure if he knows he is being a jerk and wants to get a response (which is my mom's theory), or if he is just unintentionally an asshole. And then there are moments when he is really kind and supportive and tells me that he loves me, which I'm so thankful for. In summary, it's just very confusing to spend time with him.

I listened to a sermon yesterday that spoke about giving forgiveness in our relationships, and the guy specifically spoke about his own father. He said this statement in passing that really struck me and I wish it hadn't. But he said "until I forgave my Dad, I could never truly be in a loving dating relationship."
I can't imagine forgiving my dad for all the hurtful things he has said and is yet to say. But isn't that what Jesus does? How can I withhold from my father the same grace that God gives to me everyday?
I recently gave a friend advice to make amends with her mother after she said "if anything ever happened to her, or if we never reconcile, I would feel so guilty." That's how I feel everyday about my Dad. I mean honestly, not a day goes by that I don't think about that...and I know that day will come, and I will have regrets without a shadow of a doubt. I just don't know how to do it, and make it stick. I don't know how to release it and let it go.
I thought once I got out of school our relationship would be better because I would be financial independent. and it is some days. Now I think, when I get married my relationship with my dad will get better (my sister's did...because my dad respects men, but not women). But maybe my dad doesn't live to see me get married. Maybe I just need to stop waiting on something, because nothing will ultimately reconcile us unless I have forgiveness. Plus, I don't want the broken relationship I have with my father to have any holds over me, I don't want to give him that power or satisfaction.