Angel

Angel you sing about beautiful things
And all I want to do is believe
But I traded my dreams for this mess of memories
And they just stopped working for me

I'm not a monster I believe
Like a liar would believe
Helps me navigate the wooden smiles, the raging sea
All my heroes pull their heads
Like a fighter would I guess
No one ever really likes getting older

Eternity, salvation, and hope.

I mentioned that on my recent trip to Atlanta I experienced a lot of anxiety on the plane trip. I didn't go into much detail but I have a larger picture of the root of the anxiety at this point. I have some routine plane taking off and plane landing anxiety. I generally close my eyes for these parts and then I'm ok. But I couldn't shake the fear, in fact I had a beer during my lay-over to help stabilize my nerves and numb all the thoughts, it definately took the edge off and I could think a little more clear about the root of the fear. (i'm a strong believer in knowing the root of your actions, fears, etc) It dawned on me, I was afraid of death. I continued to imagine all the way to die on a plane...running out fuel and crashing, electrical failure, and the pilot falling asleep at the wheel. I imagined plunging into the deep blue sea, as well as into canopy of trees below. I had feared death like this as a kid, imensly in fact, but not really like this since I had become a christian. how strange, i thought.  Why in the world would I be afraid to die now, and here in this moment I wondered. Then it dawned on me...it was a question of eternity. As a child I remember wondering with great anxiety with out any knowledge whatsoever of Christs free gift to us, "where will i go when i die?, and where will my parents god?" and the hollow response that filled me brought me to tears and absolute numbness at such a young age. Since I've become a christian I have not felt that overwhelming dark, hollow, and sick feeling when the notion of death arises. I was apalled, that my childhood fears have returned. That same empy/hollow fear was back. And suddenly I realized I was wondering, "man...if I die, am I going to hell?, What! How come I have doubts about this?" and that's the scariest place my heart has been in a long time. How could I let my heart and my life get so far from God that I am pondering the authenticity of my faith and my salvation?  Since I've been a christian I've never thought I would be THAT person who has found themselves as a vulnerable passenger of a plane wondering, if I die today where will I go, really? and suddenly I was that person. And today, a week after that trip, I still am. In fact I realized tonight, not only is it a salvation question, but a question of where my heart is now. In fact, this past weekend I was shocked to find out everyone thought it was going to be the rapture and I was so ill-prepared spiritually. I really used to scoff at mention of the rapture in near future and this time, I was a bit anxious about the affair being sprung on me at my time of spiritual unrest and doubt.
Bottom line is if my salvation might be in question...then I am still in control of that right?  I just ask forgiveness...and confess...and so on. But What's stopping me? And so I reached into my heart tonight to find these answers and realized it was just empty, and hollow, and numb...and the hope was gone.

How did I lose it? I've been so faithful for so long...maybe I lost my heart a long time ago, and just wore the faith for show. I suppose it's been a gradual thing over the years, I've just lost my grip on it all now and I don't think that pretending my heart into being "ok" will take me much further. So now, I suppose I am to gather the pieces and start again, from scratch. I don't know if I'm strong enough this time, knowing the road that lies before me, unlike a new christian who springs into action sometimes without wisdom or foresight. I really don't want to get stuck in this place. I don't want to just be the same old broken worn out, hopeless heart that puts on a happy face at 40.

Please pray for me.

I spent the day driving to staunton in my new to me hyundai santa fe SUV with the sun roof open and the windows down listening to delightful music, gardening, and selling my old car. I hauled my first big item in my SUV, a wheel barrel, even had to put the seats down ;) What a great day. Oh, and I also spent time watching the old Fame tv series, recommended by my sister. She and charles are always looking for wholesome shows to watch usually sending them back in time to the 80's and 90's, when tv was much more innocent. We've watched Dr. Quinn, Touched by an Angel, and All Creatures Great and Small. Have to admit though, Fame is pretty awesome...it's sorta of like Glee, except with leg warmers.

I actually spent the whole weekend gardening. it felt so good. i've never really done it by myself...but have always helped my mom, and my sister, and once I potted a tomato when I was in grad school and named him "mater", but mater eventually died without anything significant to show for it.. true story. Anyhow, gardening makes me feel a lot like my mom. Actually, lots of things make me feel a lot like my Mom since I've been living out here alone. I have always had enormous amounts of respect for my mom because she put my brother and sister through college by herself, and basically raised me alone. She was actually a very shy and meek person once upon a time, but life handed her some hard situations and she picked herself up by the bootstraps and faced the demons head on. Now I wonder, how was she so brave, how did she do this? How did she deal with mice, and ants, financial issues, and just everyday all by herself for so many years...even still she does it. You see, I'm at this point in life where I should have a husband who helps me figure this stuff out. Most women my age don't have to do all this alone. And although I'm thankful for the experience, I'm worn out from it. My mom still goes through this, and she is 65. She is still doing it on her own at 65. But despite all that, the thing my mom loves best is to garden. she would rather be out "piddling" in her yard than in the house cleaning. She has the most beautiful yard, and vegetable garden, and i have a lot of memories of her outside riding the lawn mower, dragging the hose across the yard, sitting in the dirt with her spade in hand, and  then taking breaks in between with ice tea in hand. Summer is her thing, it's her happy place. I always watched and helped some...but never had much interest. But this weekend, I finally got it. Gardening really is fun and so rewarding.

I'm trying to spend my time ministering to brandea and charles as much as I can think to. When I hear about my friends going over seas I think "oh, i've never done that and I would really like to!", but I know my ministry is here, with my own family...who needs financial help, or encouragement, a card, a ride, an errand, or a fun present from "aunt boo" :) Now it is easy to minister to them, the hard part will be when they come home and will need so much more help than before. I have gotten to a place in my journey where I am ready for them to come back. I can't wait for my sister to call me and say "Boo, we are coming home!"

Have a backpacking/camping trip planned with my friend jenny. She is a forest ranger so she can build a fire, which means we are good to go!

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Im sleeping back in my bed tonight after I've been on the couch since last Tuesday. I hope to God I don't hear the mouse trap snap in the middle of the night...ewe, gross.  My life has been pretty crazy the last few months and it finally feels like it's slowing down ("knock on wood") although I still have a lot of things on my mind, personal projects, and professional projects that should be  occupying my time but aren't because I don't know where to start with some of them, so I put them off, and then I get sort of all swallowed up internalizing my concerns and worries about all of it which leads me right into a funk. I've been moping about work, and around my house the past 3 days. In part because I just got back from ATL where I was with my family and friends and I so loved being home, i always do...and it is not unlike me to mope around the day after returning to my dwelling place after spending quality time with people i love. Hopefully tomorrow I will find motivation and get a move on it.
I have some kind of insomnia, have since I was a kid probably, but got really bad in high school. That's actually how I started sleeping in my sleeping bag. I would sleep on the floor in my bag with my bible beside me, when I couldn't go to sleep or would wake up in the night I would read my bible and go back to sleep. I have also taken IBprofin, or nyquil, or warm milk, or a glass of wine before bed, and listening to Andy Stanly from  North Point Community Church is a tried and true trick I use. I've probably listened to all of his sermons in the last 3-4 years. Since I've been out of college it's gotten somewhat better, and there was even a span where I could fall easily to sleep without any sleep aids at all (a record!), although I didn't stay asleep...but the getting to sleep is the worst part. Now it's alright, I think I have found a good sleeping aid that is 90% successful. Valerian root. My sister gives it to her kids when they can't sleep and ofcourse it's natural :) And the great thing is that for adults it is made in tea form. So I just let my tea bag steep for 15-20 minutes (my philosophy is the longer you steep the better you sleep) and then off I go :)

We are Warriors

Went to ATL for the weekend. It was so good to be home. I actually teared up a lot during my air travel to Atl. Home hasn't seemed that inviting and wonderful in a long time. I felt like a child, who could not wait to see her "mommy" and feel safe again. And in finding how comforted I was by the thought of running into my mothers arms at the end of my travels that Friday evening, I realized just how tired of being brave I was. The last 4 months have been utterly exhausting, and I just wanted my mom to take care of me for 3 days, I just wanted my "mommy", and I can't remember a time that I weeped for joy at just the thought of seeing her.
Ran the Warrior Dash with Allison on Saturday. It was so much fun! We got super dirty swimming and crawling through water, running through mud, and other exciting and overcoming other exciting and crazy obstacles.

mom and Aunt Elizabeth made great vikings...

Pre- race

Post-race

 My aunt came along to partake in the excitement. I only have 2 aunts and I decided...I would like to be a good aunt to my nieces and nephews the way she is to me. She shows up for everything, and it's usually always a journey to get to the events in my life, but she comes...without much to-do.
I also got to see my grandfather. that was good but hard. He is in a rehab center at a nursing home right now, getting better, slowly but surely.
On my way home from lynchburg I got lunch with Susan, my old bible study leader. I am forever thankful for her at this time in my life. I enjoy her so much and I love the relationship she has with her new husband. I am always so inspired and encouraged by her/him when we spend time together.
I also bought another bird, introduced him to Mr. Finch. Hopefully it's a good match.
Caleb, my nephew, had his heart surgery last week. He is doing ok. The surgery went well but he has had a few setbacks since then. His lungs collapsed yesterday and he had to go back to Intensive Care Unit. Right now he is intubated with some kind of apparatus that suctions his lungs to his diaphram so that they will re-attatch. He is in a lot of pain which the Dr.'s are trying to manage but caleb also does not tolerate pain meds well and gets sick and throws up the medication. He is eating ok. He apparently is beat red because of the way the blood is not circulating and oxygenating his body, and my sister says he has so many lines (IVS, monitors, etc) that she needs help to hold him.  Please continue to be in prayer for our little guy.

I thought the winter would be sticky but it turns out spring is the season to be a'fearin

Well last night was quite the adventure. I'm definately not lacking for entertainment around here. The Bob cat came back. I handled it with a little more brain power than last time. Instead of using my muffin tin and spoon on the bob cat, I just stood from all the doors of the house calling frantically for Jazz, who eventually did come to the house, although with many dramatics on my part. Knowing what sort of animals were out there kept me frightened enough to just stay in the house this time, instead of chancing an encounter with a bob cat, or coyote. The sounds coming from this creature are eerily close to the house which leaves me surprised Jazz hasn't gotten eaten at this point. 

On top of that, after getting jazz safely in and scolding him to no avail, I go upstairs to my room where, lo and behold, and little brown mouse is just scurrying out of the radiator. Ewe ewe ewe. I called my sister in hysterics and tears. I don't know what it is about mice because I know they won't hurt me...but they are just so gross. Maybe it's because I was once traumatized by Jazz who brought me the gift of a mouse onto my bed in the middle of the night. The mouse was half alive, squeaking and running towards me! Needless to say, Jazz and I were not friends for awhile after that.

So I moved my bird into brandea/charle's room so that jazz could hang out in my room and scare the mice off. I decided NOT to sleep in my room because there was a small chance a mouse could scurry into bed with me. So I had just gotten all my stuff moved downstairs when....THE LIGHTS WENT OUT! No lights anywhere! It's already pitch black and inky out here...so I found some flashlights, at my dinner (it's 10:45pm) of edemame beans (that i had just finished cooking) and a glass of milk and went to bed, uh I mean..couch.

muffin tins and spoons...

So the other night I got home late from work. It was very dark and inky when I got in. I let the cat out, and immediately hear hissing. So I think, maybe he encountered a raccoon. Next thing I know, I hear the most dreadful sound...like a baby crying because it's in pain or being tortured, a truly horrible sound to endure and stand back without doing something. This was the first moment in my life I thought owning a gun might be useful. But instead, fearing Jazz the cat was being tortured by some horrible creature, I can only think to grab a muffin pan and a spoon to bang together in the dark night in order to scare the wild creature and save Jazz (I can't have my sister coming back from Philly with her cat dead...I would be the worst house sitter ever). So I go outside with my flashlight (because all the automatic lights are broken) muffin tin, and metal spoon in hand to save Jazz, the cat. Fortunately, Jazz was standing around in the dark with his eyes bugging out of his head...so scared from the whaling sound of the unknown wild animal that he is stationary. I have never ever been so frightened in my life. Luckily Jazz and I quickly took refuge back into the house once I scatted and shewed him along. Such is the life of me, an innocent girl from the suburbs, too naive to have sense in situations involving wild animals so close to my house. Little did I know it was most likely a bob cat up in the tree right next to my house. I could have been his late night snack, oh but once again I have been spared.  Thank goodness for my muffin tin and spoon, a deadly weapon indeed :)