I mentioned that on my recent trip to Atlanta I experienced a lot of anxiety on the plane trip. I didn't go into much detail but I have a larger picture of the root of the anxiety at this point. I have some routine plane taking off and plane landing anxiety. I generally close my eyes for these parts and then I'm ok. But I couldn't shake the fear, in fact I had a beer during my lay-over to help stabilize my nerves and numb all the thoughts, it definately took the edge off and I could think a little more clear about the root of the fear. (i'm a strong believer in knowing the root of your actions, fears, etc) It dawned on me, I was afraid of death. I continued to imagine all the way to die on a plane...running out fuel and crashing, electrical failure, and the pilot falling asleep at the wheel. I imagined plunging into the deep blue sea, as well as into canopy of trees below. I had feared death like this as a kid, imensly in fact, but not really like this since I had become a christian. how strange, i thought. Why in the world would I be afraid to die now, and here in this moment I wondered. Then it dawned on me...it was a question of eternity. As a child I remember wondering with great anxiety with out any knowledge whatsoever of Christs free gift to us, "where will i go when i die?, and where will my parents god?" and the hollow response that filled me brought me to tears and absolute numbness at such a young age. Since I've become a christian I have not felt that overwhelming dark, hollow, and sick feeling when the notion of death arises. I was apalled, that my childhood fears have returned. That same empy/hollow fear was back. And suddenly I realized I was wondering, "man...if I die, am I going to hell?, What! How come I have doubts about this?" and that's the scariest place my heart has been in a long time. How could I let my heart and my life get so far from God that I am pondering the authenticity of my faith and my salvation? Since I've been a christian I've never thought I would be THAT person who has found themselves as a vulnerable passenger of a plane wondering, if I die today where will I go, really? and suddenly I was that person. And today, a week after that trip, I still am. In fact I realized tonight, not only is it a salvation question, but a question of where my heart is now. In fact, this past weekend I was shocked to find out everyone thought it was going to be the rapture and I was so ill-prepared spiritually. I really used to scoff at mention of the rapture in near future and this time, I was a bit anxious about the affair being sprung on me at my time of spiritual unrest and doubt.
Bottom line is if my salvation might be in question...then I am still in control of that right? I just ask forgiveness...and confess...and so on. But What's stopping me? And so I reached into my heart tonight to find these answers and realized it was just empty, and hollow, and numb...and the hope was gone.
How did I lose it? I've been so faithful for so long...maybe I lost my heart a long time ago, and just wore the faith for show. I suppose it's been a gradual thing over the years, I've just lost my grip on it all now and I don't think that pretending my heart into being "ok" will take me much further. So now, I suppose I am to gather the pieces and start again, from scratch. I don't know if I'm strong enough this time, knowing the road that lies before me, unlike a new christian who springs into action sometimes without wisdom or foresight. I really don't want to get stuck in this place. I don't want to just be the same old broken worn out, hopeless heart that puts on a happy face at 40.
Please pray for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment