Measure for health

After reading my friends blog which was used as a "getting out of debt" forum and diary I was really inspired. Maybe I should start writing about how much I eat...since it is what consumes my thoughts right now as I am trying to gain 10 pounds. Yes, I know...it's kind of the opposite problem that people struggle with but real none the less. I have never been overly in love with the way I look since I became so thin, just as I don't think girls who are underweight are attractive either. I had a friend in college who was so pretty but seriously and grossly skinny and it made her a less attractive person on the scale from 1-10. Strangely and ironically I used to struggle a lot with my weight when I was in high school. I was athletic and muscular (hard to imagine for anyone who knows me now), a size 4/5 most of the time and my mom once told one of my best friends when I left the room that I was a bit "chunky" and that I had to be careful because that was just my "build"; I already struggled with anorexia before my best friend tattled on my mom's unkind words...so it only made matters worse. I remember thinking about every single thing I ate. It was all consuming and so frustrating not to be able to starve myself enough to be "skinny"; Later, I learned that lots of kids with my family background and dysfunctions developed eating disorders because eating was the only thing in our worlds that we could control. The only thing. And as soon as I heard that I knew it was the root of my sickness.  After college I eventually confessed my struggles to God and was delivered right then from that illness. I never struggled with it again. I realized the root of my issues and from then on I have been working on those things...it's been almost 10 years since then...and I am still working on my stuff...but ironically...I am now trying to gain weight...trying to become a "healthier" me.
I've started eating Luna Bars with my breakfast, and a Boost shake in between lunch and dinner for the last two weeks. It's been really awesome. For the first time I don't feel hungry all the time and I didn't realize how good that feels.
Today I messed up a bit. I had a luna bar and a half of a bagel and coffee. For lunch I just had a zebra cake :(; I ate a pimento cheese sandwich on my drive home. And now a carnation breakfast for dinner. Fail. Work has been pretty frustrating lately and I find myself not eating at lunch time on these days...Better luck tomorrow!

My mom has always believed people need "mental health" days...

I played hookie today. I needed a mental break from work. SO my sister and I soaked in the Jefferson Pools AKA "the bubbles", and drank amazing Chai tea while we watched "Say Anything." Man, I love movies from the eighties.
Ofcourse, I did very important things like snuggle with my nephews, pretend to be the Big Bad Wold and chasing the little piggies around, and then we built some sweet forts; Aunt Boo did in fact launch the "airplane" (which Andrew is almost too big for *sad face), and of course we read "Go Dogs Go!";
Most importantly, I taught Caleb some sweet dance moves. Please note his snort...it's a family trait that has blossomed in this kid at a young age, and I'm so proud :)

All in all, it was an awesome day, and I am now ready to begin my work  week.

92% healed and a milky way for the road...

So I'm totally enjoying where I live now, for some reason. I love spending all this time with my nephews. they are such fun ages right now and I want to keep them this way forever. I had this vision the other day that at some point i will see my nephew when he is like 16 and is 6'5 and I will make him sit on my lap like buddy the Elf sits on his elf-dad's lap. haha. The other day he asked me "Aunt boo, will you be with us forever?"... and I don't have the heart to tell him no...how do you explain to these precious children that you would want to be anyplace else but in there presence...and often times, I really don't. I just enjoy them so much. I actually decided at some point this summer that I really do want to have children. I went from being a man-hater to a kid-hater, and now I think they are super fun and I think I could be a really good mom actually. I have lots of practice right now. The kids sometimes call me "mommy-boo".
Any how, I am almost done making Andrew's quilt. It is super cute and I'm very proud of it. Pictures to follow. Then it's on to a quilt for Peter-bug.
Tonight my sister and I had girl night, which we've been trying to do once a week. We went across the street to Warm Springs Inn and had coffee and THE BEST Chocolate dessert ever...it was so wonderful. I like that about this place...small town..it's easy to make traditions, become regulars, and know everybody when you are out and about. When we got home we stood outside and stared up at the stars...it feels like you can see them all out here. What's really cool is we could see the milky way tonight. What a sight!
Fall is in the air...I'm ready for scarves, tall boots, quilting, and tea time with brandea and charles. Everything is going to get busy again with biblestudies, choir practice, quilting groups, girls nights with my sister, Monday night dinners with jenny...I feel so blessed right now. I know god has brought me to this place, though a lot of it has been painful...i slowly feel my heart changing and my chin lifted up. I needed the hurt and the pain and the process in order to be a more whole and healed person.  Seeing the Milky Way tonight was just a bonus :)

Venting.

So project fat girl is on. I'm currently 102 pounds (i keep dropping weight gradually)...and am trying to gain at least 10-15 pounds by January (in order to fill out my bridesmaids dress mo betta); I'm currently in the process of going to the Dr. to make sure all is healthy and am going to try to increase my caloric intake throughout the day. I really hate looking this skinny and I don't think anyone looks good this small.

Also- random thought, that I've been thinking a lot about this week; I really get sick of being mothered all the time. Sidenote: Ofcourse I live with my sister and her husband who frequently mother me as 2nd nature and it drives me absolutely insane. I don't understand why they can't treat me as a peer instead of a child, because that is my perspective of how our relationship should be. I don't know if other people feel like they are constantly being mothered by there family (although I think this is pretty natural), friends, and co-workers all the time! I don't get it, I'm quite capable of all sorts of things...why do people feel the tendency to tell me how to do common sense things all damn day?! I wasn't born yesterday. I find myself a really easy person to get along with, am too nice most of the time, and maybe a little absent minded and have a poor attention span...but aren't most people sort of this way? I am just trying to figure out what it is about me that makes people feel like they should tell me what to do. In fact maybe everyone tells everybody how to do everything all the time and I'm just being oversensitive or something...I can't gauge this at all.

It's times like this when I miss my ex-boyfriend. He was the one person who pretty much never "mothered" me or felt the need to tell me how to do something or what to do in my life, and the times he did I could count on my fingers  (in fact he tended to waiver at the opposite end, by not sharing his opinions unless I specifically elicited them. In fact there was a  lack of general openness that likely led to our ultimate break up...but that's water under the bridge now). The point is I always felt safe, not judged or stupid around him. It was one of my healthiest friendships/relationships in that way.

 I hope to meet someone else with that same quality because it's important to me to feel respected by my peers and family instead of belittled. 

An awesome thing happened at work today. We get Ipod touches in order to do our billing. Tomorrow we get more training on them and Im hoping we can download APPS to use for therapy sessions with our patients. So excited.

Dedicated to Love

I spent the weekend in Chicago with my old friend Jessie (girl-jessie that is) and her new fiance! I was so honored to get to spend quality time with them both before they wed. I loved "them". She was all of her "best" qualities in his presence. It's these experiences with my married (or engaged) friends that make me hope in love now. Having known some of my girlfriends deeply for years and years I (of course) have in my mind the perfect guy for them...and I continue to be surprised and overjoyed by how God succeeds my expectations!!! In some ways, I have enjoyed so much this season of singleness and being able to share  in rejoicing with my girlfriends over the wonderful men that God has brought into their lives to marry. I know it is God's way of encouraging me to know that God designs all things perfectly and purposefully. It has also allowed me to more clearly see that God knows exactly what we need, even in the times that I think he has forgotten me. I am incredibly thankful to have a worshipful and hopeful heart because of my married friends. In a strange way I more deeply understand the purpose of marriage and the effects it can have in ministering to others because I am so touched by the beautiful display of God's love and affection towards us by being such a gracious and intentional designer of our lives, even in love.