Saturday, April 30, 2011

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I have happily created a safe place for myself here in Warm Springs, forming friendships, running again, and improving my overall quality of life by getting involved here. Although, I have had very lonely moments and there have been many a tear in the last 6 months, overall I think I am in a good place. For a long time I have experienced an extended winter...starting since last July, and am embracing the change of seasons in both physical and spiritual state at every opportunity; Just a week ago I felt myself affirmed in the contrasted colors of greens in the various elevations of the mountains on my daily drive to and from work. Part of me is the blooming spring green, with a fresh face to embrace yet another season of life, whatever it may have in store for me...while a deeper part of me is still a dark green, where there are more shadows and the sun does linger, and nature needs time to take it's course.
Well it turns out I was not so safe after all, it was really just my own man-made diversion. Turns out I am still broken and have a long way to go.
I am grateful for my brother-in-law who, in the last 10 years, has stepped into my life to take over the godly man/role model in my life without ever being asked. He has always taken the time to help me heal, to impart wisdom, and genuine concern for my wholeness as his sister. And tonight, I saw him cry for me. In all these years, I am not certain I can remember this happening before. And, that's when I knew I was in serious trouble.   It turns out there is more healing that needs to happen in areas of my life including with my father, and some of my relationship issues that are pretty deep that I have been avoiding here lately. I kind of hit a brick wall with things in the last two weeks and have not sought God because I just lost hope I guess. But Charles gave me a word that I am missing out on the blessing because of the spiritual block in my life and I wish it weren't true, but I know he is right. and so now I have to move. I have to act. I can't be disobedient, because I am here, in warm springs, for such a time as this, i know. I have to be okay before I leave here, and I really really want to leave here. so that's motivation enough.
Also, the funniest thing here lately is that my family is trying to have an intervention for my thinness (out of nowhere, because I have been thin for about 4 years now), which is seriously turning into an after school special. I have had some very cliche conversations with my sister and with charles that one would watch on the lifetime channel about my said eating disorders and anorexia. But I have consented to go to the Dr. to make sure I'm okay, although I have always said it's just a worm.

"Rejoice in the spring time of the year.Let there be Springtime in your hearts. The full time of fruit is not yet but there is the promise of the blossom." A.J. Russell

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