The other day, a friend of mine mentioned that her lonely place is in her car, and another friend's in the shower...and agreed with her that mine is also in the car...for 4 months after my ex and i broke up, i dreaded those long car rides to and from work...45-50 minute drive each way seemed like god's way of torturing me even more...trying to fill the silence with something neutral, i couldn't listen to songs on the radio because they sang only about love and breaking up...country songs were the worst. Initially, I would get into my car and immediately burst into tears...remembering my broken heart that my busy work day had pushed aside. All I could listen to was sara barailles "kaleidescope" for 4-5 months over and over again. My car was definitely my lonely place. It was the only place I could actually be alone and let it all out and be real.
But today it hit me, my lonely place is everywhere right now. I can't get away from the lonely, it's just a part of me now and I hadn't even known. Maybe it came from seeing him recently...I don't feel deep sorrow and angst and heartbreak like I did before, but just plain 'ol every day missing and lonely. The end of every day feels like a sentence without a period. There is no one to listen to the recount of my day, to affirm my little successes, to validate that I got up and went to work and did a good job, or a bad job. I can't call him to say I got lost today and I just want to cry and I wish you were here to be strong for me. I just have to be strong alone, and give myself pep talks, and pat myself on the back, and it just feels kind of meaningless and hard at times. So maybe this blog is my phone call to him, or my phone call to somebody, anybody. Is this why we Blog, to place a period at the end of our sentences?
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