Tears and Dreams and Dreams and Tears although not necessarily in that order

I have truly come a long long way in the ability to even share my tears and vulnerabilities with another person. I never cried in front of anyone until I was 17 years old when my brother told me he was moving out of the house and I knew I was losing my best friend. As a kid my family was very dysfunctional and my mother's existence wreaked of fear, disappointment, heartache and disillusionment on a daily basis; Her hurt and suffering took her to a cognitive state so far away that she looks back on that period and regrets missing my childhood. To cope with the pain around me, I held tight, stayed strong, and I refused to show any emotion at all regarding my parent's relationship eventually leading to the divorce that took place when I was about 10. I didn't want to add to my mother's burdens and maybe I was afraid she wouldn't even notice my pain.  When I got a little bit older (maybe 12 or 13) I have a strong memory of my mom full out crying with me and I just hugged her and she cried. I never asked why she was sad, and I don't know if she even remembers that...but it really affected me, how I am not sure honestly...maybe I didn't want to put anyone thru watching me suffer or experiencing my grief if they did not have to. All this is to say, I've come a long way. When I got to college, I learned a lot about crying, in fact...there was no way I could have gotten through college without shedding some tears.

I am reading this great little find of a book called "God Never Blinks, 50 Lessons for Life's Little Detours" by Regina Brett; Chapters are short. I like that; One of her chapters is called  "Cry with Someone, It's more healing that crying alone," and I immediately thought of Mary Grace. She and I have cried together more times than I can count. And it's true, it is healing. I used to see crying as a severe flaw and weakness in people and now I embrace a good cry, especially the unexpected ones...when you haven't even been drinking...oh, those are good ones!

Last time we were together we listened to these lyrics that truly struck a cord in both of us for different reasons.

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. 
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green. 
I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest swing. 
I had a dream. 
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. 
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. 
I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest tree. 
I had a dream. 
Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. 
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. 
I had a dream


A couple weeks ago I wondered what this meant for me, my only dreams had been thrown out and I've been waiting for a new one to come along in whatever form God would offer it.
Now, weeks later it has been revealed to me, and little pieces of my heart have become mine again, and I can recognize the warmth and precision of each beat. It's been awhile.
But now to share or not to share. I shared it with my sister today...something about sharing takes the magic out of a dream for me. It's not like sharing  a good day with someone which only magnifies and heightens your sense of greatness! But for me, it's like I'm giving away shares of that dream...to people who may or may not have a good reason to be invested in it. To me, the stakes are higher when more persons are in the know. But I wonder if that is true for all people.