"Little ones to him belong. They are weak but he is strong."- this verse gets me every time. The lyrics of David Crowder and Chris Tomlin never fails to move me...but "Jesus Loves Me" says it all.
Tonight while singing this very song during choir practice...the room filled with joy and laughter and the comfort of the choirs steadfast relationships built over the years I realized how much I am loved. What a strange place to have this revelation. This community has really touched me deeply in a way that is so unexpected. It's moving to see not only their words of love and concern for others but always putting that deep love for their community into action. The neat thing about such a small town is that every persons contribution whether it be the "chicken soup brigade" or the "meals on wheels" largely impacts the community. It is good to see people taking care of each other and asking for nothing in return. They have been so wonderful (during my wilderness season) and I know they can't even know the extent of the internalizing and processing I am currently going through at this time. My own difficulties are completely minute in comparison to others needs and personal trials.
This song also hit me tonight because I have been realizing lately how much God loves me and how beautifully and wonderfully he made me. I know my worth more than I ever have in my life. On a superficial level I know that I am worth loving, and I know now I have struggled with that a lot prior to this year. I surrounded myself in high school and college with people who were not always uplifting or who spoke worth/value over me. This is not to say that I have not had some really amazing encouraging friends through out the years but the majority's voice always rings louder. In this year I have been loved on and life has been spoken over me again. Over time, college really took a tole on me relationally. My collegiate seasons of life were unkind to my soul at times and I desperately fought to preserve my self respect, purity, and the core of who God made me, often alone, and I lost the battle more times than I would like to admit. At some point, I saw an ugly glimpse of a person I never knew I was that somehow I had become and it scared me. I eventually got unwrapped from those people and those places and in a way my most recent relationship really saved me from that ugly girl and it was truly God's vessel to bless and heal me. I just didn't know it at the time. I know now because I have never before felt so strong, or so pretty, or so worthy of being loved. My last relationship was successful and healthy after a string of what now seems like unhealthy relationships that I just wasn't willing to admit to at the time because I had nothing to compare them to. I am thankful for that good relationship because it gave me confidence and has forced me to acknowledge my self-worth. I am worth loving, and I can be a great girlfriend and I have so much to offer with the right person. I just can't believe I never knew it until now.
I can't stress how important it is to be surrounded by positive and encouraging people. This year has been that for me, an escape from the past where my skewed perspective of myself held me captive to my insecurities. Now I realize I am experiencing life with a new outlook, unhindered by a lot of my previous concerns about my flaws and personality. But really those are just lovely quirks.
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