I'm in repair. I'm not together but I'm getting there.

 John Mayer. He was also right about that quarter-life crisis thing...I have far more in common with him than I would like to admit...because I think he is probably a pretty broken person who sings about his brokeness, but continues to have the same troubles...and i continue to sing his lyrics over and over, finding healing and comfort in knowing someone out there feels just like me.

Traveling to Philly tomorrow via train. Super excited. I sort of want to wear a hat to fully embrace the nostalgia of trains.

Also, I miss wearing my peacock earrings. It's been awhile since I've broken them out. Maybe travel day will be appropriate. In fact, my richest hours in life encompass embracing the small things or i.e. giving into the crazy. I miss wearing fairy wings around the apartment when I've had a bad day, or sleeping in my sleeping bag when I need comfort or a good cry...I don't want to lose these games invented by my inner child. I don't want to forget.

The grass is always greener.

So I've been watching The Bachelor...(Why do we do this to ourselves?! haha)...and the bachelor stated that he just wants to find a true friendship with someone to know that it would be the right girl/marriage for him. I remember countless times that bachelors or bachelorettes have said the same exact thing...and it hit me, we always want what we can't have...Here they are in this environment where they have the most magical and romantic dates yet they are looking for a good "friend" out of the deal. And in my own life, when I had a great relationship built on a incredibly solid friendship..the guy ended up looking for just the opposite experience....Love packaged by some magical spark or fantasy romance portrayed in the movies. Don't we always want what we don't have.

"By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone."

The pause before the next splendid note...

I have to thank my family and friends for the place I am currently in emotionally. I realized after talking to my ex-boyfriend this week that I am much more self-actualized in this break-up and have more self-worth and confidence than I had going into the relationship. Pretty amazing to think about when 6 months ago I thought my world and my plans for a future had been ripped from me and I would never stand under the weight of disappointment and sorrow I endured daily. Since then I have spent a lot of time with the Lord, talking to friends, and family about the state of my heart. They have inspired me to know more courage and strength than I knew I had, spoken only words of hope, and counseled me to wait for God's best.  Also, all this time God continues to tell me to endure, to embrace the sorrow and heartache because only treasures are waiting. "Wait on it dear child, good things are in store for you."

Last night I read an excerpt that touched me deeply and resounds God's promises so beautifully.

"There is no music during a musical rest, but the rest is part of the making of music. In the melody of our life, the music is separated here and there by rests. During those rests we foolishly believe we have come to the end of a song. God sends us times of forced leisure by allowing sickness, disappointed plans, and frustrated efforts. He brings a sudden pause in the choral hymn of our lives and we lament that our voices must be silent. But how does a musician read the rests? He counts the break with unwavering precision and plays the next note with confidence, as if no pause were ever there. God does not write the music of our life without a plan."

Opportunity wreaks!

Many of my blogs have been "woe is me, Im 27 and alone" and I hate that. But I do want to share that I have moments of excitement looking into my unknown future. I mean...that is exactly what your twenties are supposed to be about, the adventure of the unknown, figuring everything out, and the world being an oyster and I am pretty glad to have been given this opportunity, although I never would have chosen such circumstances a year ago. When I was in a long term relationship and thought about my future there was comfort of course...but I also struggled a lot with feeling sad or like I was going to miss something if I settled down in a couple of years and did the marriage and 2.3 children thing. And now I know that even though this season has been difficult it is also totally awesome and everything I was afraid I would miss! It truly is a gift! I have actually gotten kinda pumped about the element of surprise god has blessed me with in this last week! At a wedding shower last weekend there were a lot of stories about love and relationships being shared and I got so excited that my turn will come, and I will love someone and marry them, and that is an adventure just waiting for me...that element of surprise is still out there for me, but I don't have to do it yet! I have goals to travel and develop some aspects of my career in the year of 2011 and I'm super stoked about these things...more and more I know this is God's purpose for me this year...to play and enjoy life that for so long I've had to put aside due to school responsibilities and lack of finances. I also know it is a year of bettering my mental health and becoming a better me. Basically this year wreaks of opportunity and I'm so excited to get started!

And so the boy aged me...

So I went on a date tonight with what I realized was just a boy...he was 21, JUST turned 21...cute, very nice, and so much potential with a lot of polish :). But that's all it was. Who knows when that potential will come to fruition...but I know I'm not willing to wait around on a boy. As I was sitting at the bar, confidently drinking my beer, and playing the "get to know you" game I've done all to often these days...I realized I am too confident and put together to be dabbling in boyhood anymore. I'm ready for a man, who knows what they want and is secure in the paths he has chosen in life. It was strange but for the first time I actually felt my age. It was startling. I was fishing in the wrong age bracket and everyone else in this small town bar could see it too..."What is that lady doing with the young boy?" So I'm glad for the experience...although, it would have been a better night if I hadn't thought everyone was looking at the old lady drinking her beer.

Aging

On a positive note I have just started this kick ass beauty regiment that I am pretty excited about. I got a facial and massage for my birthday (from yours truly) and the lady gave me all these great tips about natural/organic beauty products for glowing skin! So here it is...Im washing my face with peppermint castile soap, doing a facial scrub with baking soda/water paste; Applying hydrogen peroxide (toner) on a cotton swab as toner, then some Vitamin C serum (to help me anti-age), and on top of that lotion (right now cetaphil) but I am going to get a grape seed oil based lotion sometime this week! So excited. Hope this works..I feel prettier already!
Also- Ive started using mouth wash. I always thought old people were supposed to use it cuz my Dad always did. But then at my latest dentist appt I was told to use it. Is this because I am old and it's time...or is it just the first time I've ever been clued in on what everyone else is doing? hmm...either way, my mouth tastes fresher and I am less likely to get gum disease so im down.

Switch backs in the dark

Tonight I drove home after driving to a nearby town to get fast food and groceries. I would much rather go home without going to all those places because everywhere I go outside of work reminds me that I am alone, because I am. I bought all these groceries tonight thinking...now I have to go home, put them all up, and make a meal out of them this week for one. The aloneness of it all is absolutely daunting right now. As I drove through the dark of night up the mountain through the winding switchbacks, I felt more and more hopeless, driving away from civilization, the lights, the convenient stores, towards my little house up on the hill, waiting silently for my arrival. No one waits at home, no one calls me to check and see if I had a good day, or to listen to me vent about a day from hell, or better yet...to make sure I didn't drive my car over a switchback. I just don't know how people do this day in and day out. It was never hard for me to be single...until I realized how wonderful it is to be in love, to have a "we", or for my phone ring every now and then just because someone cares for no reason; So now the aloneness is insufferable at times, with my family gone and only memories of a good relationship that somehow fell short. Tonight it felt like I was driving into this abyss of darkness, of the unknown, and it's so incredibly scary. I am ready for  my companion, for someone to do things with, to begin my adventure with and "our" story. It feels like I am waiting on that before life begins, and I don't want to be that girl...but I am very much aware that "my light is on" far more than I ever have been before. And  I wish I didn't know it. Because it hurts. And I know I still have many miles left of switch backs to take alone through the dark.

Birds of a feather...

I recently got African zebra finches  for need of something to come home to and to cover the silence here. They were buddies and so I took them both at the pet store because it would have been too unkind to separate them. They sing to each other, sleep on the same perch together, sleep together inside their nest, and play together. They have lived contented to do all things in this manner for 3 months now. 2 days ago I came home to squawking birds! They were chasing each other across their cage, pecking at each other, and perched at separate sides of their cage. What once was such a wonderful friendship is now a brutal battle for control over territory of the nest.  They are sort of maimed looking now too, with battle scars from their frequent vicious attacks on each other. I burst into tears and called my mom when I read online that they may never make up. This could be it. My birds, that have been so refreshing and just what I needed the last couple of months for the pure enjoyment of their "love songs" filling the silence of this  now empty house, have fallen silent with dissension. I used to enjoy watching them so much, and now it just makes me so sad to see their broken relationship. I thought they would always love each other! Isn't it sad that even birds break-up. I had no idea. They are symbolic of my hope and now I'm at a bit of a loss over their constant quarreling.

The Heart has a Mind of its own

Tomorrow is my birthday...this is one I've been preparing myself for the last 6 months..isn't it too soon to hit my "scary" age? Well, apparently being single and in your late twenties will do that to you. This is the first time I've actually let society's expectations effect me in this way. Usually I'm passionately standing on a soap box shouting at the top of my lungs about not letting your worth be placed in a man and in marriage...and I still believe that to an extent, but I also believe in the bigger picture, I'm slowly throwing my coins into the same jar as everyone else. Let's face it, I work in a nursing home...and I realize that if I become a spinster and have no offspring I could very possibly live out my last years or months in an institution...alone. At the age of 26 I have been looking around going "this is pretty awesome...I love being twenty-something." And after tomorrow, I'm gonna be looking around saying, "Man I better enjoy these twenty-somethings because I'm about to be thirty-something with nothing to show." 
As I am approaching this fine number I have also realized the high importance of being intentional with my time, my vacations, and goals because life is sorta happening fast...although I do only feel like I've had the freedom to travel and make decisions related to my hopes and dreams since I've graduated from grad school a year ago. And honestly, I'm still exploring and thoroughly enjoying the freedom that being financially independent is bringing. So this year, I actually made personal annual goals that I am looking forward to crossing of the list!


All day long I have heard these lyrics in my head of John and Taylor's song "half of my heart"-


"Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do"

Im actually in the midst of pondering of the heart...I've been so irritated with myself as to why I can't move my heart on to a new relationship, I want to in my mind...but my heart has a mind of it's own and I am just it's puppet on some level. Even though my mind has processed a lot from my recent break-up this summer and is ready to move forward, my heart still loves and is unwilling to yield itself to the faint whims of my mind. It remains the same...probably waiting on Hope to respond...Although my mind screams "Move forward" and "Let's GO!!!", my heart is loyal and steadfast. 
And alas, this thing that seems so fragile and easily broken is strong enough to persevere with the rawest form of human emotion.  I can only sigh, knowing it just needs time to fall out of love. 

Oh, what a lovely and awful addiction this poor little heart must forsake given time... 

Back to John's lyrics...I've always felt  that I loved with half of my heart...and I still believe that to be true in all of my past relationships. Although in my most recent relationship I learned (and was so glad) that I had the capacity to love with all my heart... only in the end to realize I was being loved in return with only half of a heart. And now I know exactly what it feels like for someone to deliver the lines...

"Your faith is strong, but I can only fall short for so long

Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you
Than half of my heart"

So I decided these two things:

Who wants to be loved with half of a heart anyway? I deserve more. And...

I would rather have loved with the whole than to have wondered if I lost him because I only gave half.

And so i leave you with a song I found that is the Anthem of a single girl in her "late" twenties...because of society's expectations. Gee, thanks society for making me feel this way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWjNFC-FinU 

A pioneers plight

As I start a new year and yet another birthday...this is my attempt to journal my journey in the next 6 months. My family, whom I currently live with, has temporarily relocated states away for this period of time and I found myself left alone in a place that I would never have chosen to live if it hadn't been for the close relationship of my sister and nephews. Now, unexpected circumstances leave me here to endure a cold and long winter in a very isolated setting. I feel much like an early pioneer woman, who's left to hold the house down while her husband goes off to war, or to help family, or do whatever those men did that left their helpless wives to chance a harsh winter, unknown predators of the wilderness, and uncivilized and potentially dangerous strangers who may happen across this home looking for temporary shelter. I always thought those women so brave...and now here I am...not feeling brave at all. I come home to what used to be a busy and noisy home that now sits in absolute silence, immersed in thick darkness until I pass over the thrush and begin my evening routine. Of course, I do have great expectations in this time, to embrace the solitude by seeking God's will for my next steps in life, and to be very intentional with Him again, which is something I have put off for a long time.

"It is not easy to be a pioneer - but oh, it is fascinating! I would not trade one moment, even the worst moment, for all the riches in the world."